Money can't buy me Tango: Community is a Life-Form that Resists Normal Price Setting

When was the last time you experienced deep human connection?

How much was it worth to you?

You can't buy connection

Our soul resists that question because it knows that love - the love between friends and partners, the love found within a community - is so natural, is our birthright, and should be freely accessible as the air we breathe.

You can't buy a tanda - or a partner - or a friend. All you can do is cultivate a life-circumstance - an intent, an attitude, an energy, a set of habits - that makes it easier for these experiences to be in your life.

Each individual's experience of community is unique

A community is a life-form that resists traditional business categorization and business practice. In "normal" businesses, it's easy to define exactly what is being offered, and for people to agree on what it's worth in a concrete measurement like money.

But your experience of community last night was probably totally different from the person who walked in right after you. And different from what it was a month ago, and what it will be next year.

The value for you may come from the challenges you experience as much as from the moments of ease and effortlessness. From the moments of delight as from the opportunities to forgive. Or maybe from having, for the first time, a chance to serve, to be helpful, to further something you find beautiful. Your treasure may be the friends you meet who become part of your life even as you both move away from Tango or deeper into it or to another city. Or maybe it was just overhearing a conversation about a book that you go out and buy that changes your life. Or maybe you never find anything of value to you - that can happen too.

How much are those things worth? The question doesn't make sense. It's not the right question.

The question is, do you want it to continue? Do you want it to grow?

Choosing to give your creative energy to what you value

If you do want it to grow, then, what kind of energy do you choose to put into it? Financial energy, emotional energy, intellectual energy, musical energy, delicious snack energy, artistic photographic energy, code monkey energy, teaching energy - what is your choice, your contribution - your gift, your donation? What do you need to receive for that contribution to be sustainable for you? 

These are some of the reasons why Oxygen Tango has become a donation-based Tango community. We hope you will support our schedule of group classes and practicas that provide more than 50 hours per month when people can gather to explore the possibilities of connection.

A Story About Giving Up

I gave up. And then things started to work.

It was six years of pain I was at the end of all my ropes. Completely broke and in debt, we had to make massive changes to the school for it - and us - to survive.

We had read business books and hired consultants. Spent hours brainstorming and calculating, analyzing reports. Marketing. Pricing. More marketing. We changed and tinkered but our numbers never changed.

Setting prices was one of the most freakin' complicated - and, advisors told us - most important parts of running a good business. I don't know if you have every tried to make prices for Tango but it is mindbogglingly complex. I won't bore you with the grisly details but trust me it is not worth the ink that still drying on my poor sad collection of interlinked, formula-weary and overcaffeinated Google Sheets.

One morning while trying to crank around with that collection, I realized something strange. I realized that I really didn’t care what people paid us for a class or a practica. I didn’t want to think about prices and price rules at all anymore. I wanted to focus on Tango. I wanted to focus on teaching and learning, on dancing, on creativity.

I realized I had never CHOSEN to be in charge of prices. I had just starting doing it as if there was not any other way to do things. But now I saw another way: I could let our students decide to give whatever they wanted. And I realized that I actually without exception trust our community to pay whatever they think is fair for what they are experiencing through Oxygen.

So I gave up. It was an intuitive leap. Overnight we became a donation-based Tango community.

PHOTO BY GLENN CAMPBELL PHOTOGRAPHY

Sometimes the thing you have to give up is an assumption that is so deeply embedded that it is invisible, a worldview that distorts your view of what is possible and okay.

Sometimes all the struggle is there just to point toward freedom, toward opening our minds in ways we may never have found otherwise.

I never give up on people, on relationships, on the projects I have chosen.

But with this experience I am readier than ever to give up on any idea that is constricting my view of what's possible in this magical world.

Five stages of moving beyond the fear of speaking up

Why are you so quiet? Probably, because it is scary to speak up.

But here's the thing: what if the world needs you to speak up?

We are in a world where, it seems, many kind, subtle, creative, loving, intelligent, connecting people are...quiet.

If the spiritual, thoughtful, loving, generous, creative, compassionate people like you stay quiet and just keep their opinions to themselves - I think we won't see much changes.

Your voice gets stronger with practice

But what if you started practicing speaking up, using your voice? What if you started saying what you think and believe every now and then, at dinner, on social media, anywhere? What if you started your blog, what if you wrote and practiced sharing your ideas? Sure, you'll post some things that are maybe a little raw, you'll learn from each experience too. You'll distill the essence of what you want to say more and more, make it clearer; you'll understand who out there needs to hear from you; you'll eventually stop having a general malaise about "what people think," as you focus more of your attention on how to extend and expand the new world you now envision more and more clearly and to share this vision with the people who are ready to hear about it.

Using your voice is like using a muscle. It gets stronger with practice.

It's easy to be shy, to be picky. To be scared and threatened by the ole Facebook. To belabor your mini decision to "Like" some acquaintance's post, or "Share" your friend's thing, or "Post" that you're "feeling grateful" or whatever, or just click out and leave it off for another day. This the boring way. There's no time anymore to leave it off for another day. What if all that's missing in the world is YOUR voice?

Do you know your power?

Do you know the power of your voice?

If you did how would you use it today? 

We live in a world where, just by touching something you could actually trigger a landslide of butterfly actions that can transform the world entirely. What if all that's missing in this world is your voice - your touch? 

My 5 phases of developing my voice

I write a newsletter for my school and I blog. It has been hard to do this. I went through a lot of phases in getting used to sharing myself publicly.

Photo at Weller House Inn by SubbusClicks

• First there was the anonymous phase where I wrote under a secret identity.
• Then there was the crazy phase when I wrote as myself, but in such an obscure way that nobody would be able to understand, let alone take issue with my perspectives.
• After that there was the closely related elaborately colorful phase where I started to say things that were intelligible and made some sense but again only those who really loved me would take the time to sift the meaning from the verbiage. 
• It gave way to a corporate phase where I started to express my meanings more succinct, more direct, maybe kinda flat.
• I am finding again my authentic voice, past acres and acres of words, again rediscovering cheerfully twisted metaphor; may it be reborn in a way that can be helpful.

This last phase was made possible by a gradual crystallization of what I want to impart; immersion in a life-activity that provides continuous sources of challenge that inspire sharing and learning; clarification of the medium I'm writing in; getting to better know who I'm writing for; and with the help of trusted friends who share editorial perspective on my drafts.

Speak up! And may we all shine together. 

It Takes Books To Tango: "Love 2.0" by Barbara Fredrickson

A handbook for improving your health by kindling more love throughout your life

What if we lived our whole lives in a continuous flow of love? 

There is a research scientist out there, Barbara Fredrickson, who has written a book explaining to us exactly how to cultivate loving, open-hearted, joy-soaked micro-moments of connection throughout every single day - alone, or with others. 

And, furthermore, she points out that if we do this it will probably, or rather, uh, definitely, like for sure according to science, be good for our immune system and a lot of other aspects of our health too. 

The word "love" is so fraught and it doesn't need to be. Reading this book I realized how sane it is to look at love through the lens of physiology. And, naturally, I got even MORE reasons why I have to dance a LOT of Tango. For my health and everybody else's. Read the book and tell me what you think!

Ways That Women Help Women In Tango

“Strong women help other women.” - Brigitta Winkler

With Brigitta Winkler, who sets an inspiring standard for me as a strong, powerful, loving woman in tango

When I started learning Tango I was shy and really scared of everyone. And I didn’t think it was safe to talk with women about my relationships or feelings about men. I felt like I was competing with every other woman for a scarce resource - men.

Where I started learning to Tango, women danced only with men. Women followed, men led. Since I love dancing with men, and since I love following, I was happy and didn’t feel like I was missing anything.  

If I had had more real, true, mutually caring bonds with fellow Tango women earlier I probably would have been safer overall in my early vulnerable years, and made some better decisions. As a community builder today, I want to contribute to a culture that supports safe, strong, creative women and powerful sisterhood.

How my experience of tango sisterhood emerged

Slowly, through socializing and lots of creative projects with other women in the community,  I started to discover how much loving, caring attunement, hilarity and fun there can be in women's friendships. How worthy of trust these women were.

It was probably eight years of obsessive Tangoing before I ever danced with a woman. I remember hours of laughter, perplexity and joy with my first girl practice partner as we both helped each other learn to lead.

I sincerely hope that women in Tango find and support each other, commit to care for each other and to developing and strengthening the deep strong bonds that are the bedrock of connection, on and off the dance floor.

Here are some very supporting forms of women-to-women love we can extend to our tango sisters

• Plan something together

Planning a little outing is a very wonderful way to begin to explore friendship and share great conversation! There are so many adorable cupcake spots, ice creameries, or happy-hours - all it takes is an idea and an invitation.  

• Give a little gift

I used to freak out a little every time I'd go to a festival. Mostly it was because I was scared of what would happen with the boys. Once I decided to just focus on the women at the festival, and I actually brought little tiny gifts for each of the women I like who I knew would be there. I had a great time ! 

• Open up, share and listen

Sharing has to start somewhere. If you want to create a trusting space, you can invite that by sharing about your own personal struggles - and triumphs - in the Tango world. Ask them how their Tango is going. It's very important to be sure your friends know when you want them to "keep it under your hat" - as one of my girlfriends says. 

• Be there when times are tough

Just having those 1 or 2 or 3 or more friends who you can reach out to - call or text or chat - when things feel really hard...this is an immense gift. Treasure these friends, and be there for them when they need you too, being able to contribute to their lives is part of the gift. 

• Help your girlfriends find the tandas they seek

This is how we become sisters in crime...by knowing who our Tango sisters looove to dance with and with exquisite subtlety helping those dances to happen. Exquisite. Subtlety. 

• Practice together, dance together, perform together

It might go without saying but an awesome way to explore/deepen/cement/extend women friendships is through DANCING ! 

• Commit to non-disposable friendships

Change is always happening, and Tango cycles of popularity are constantly cycling around. For me what feels great is to commit to non-disposable friendships. Friendships you keep investing positive energy and thought and time into, that you intend to cultivate and nourish through both of your lives. How many friendships do you have room for ?