The gentle, excellent, chivalrous, skillful, sexy men who Tango

Photo by Glenn Cambpell http://www.glenncampbellphoto.com/

I’m Mitra Martin and I love to dance with men. I love to dance with women too, but this is about men.

This is about men who have taken the time to go through the humbling and scary challenge of learning to dance Tango. And whose Tango gives me huge inspiration and a feeling of oneness that lasts for days.

(Some men confuse me. I am not sure if they are confusing me as a “strategy” or if they are just confused themselves. Probably both. The confusing men, I’ve decided it’s probably not worth it to think about them or dance with them too much.)

For a guy to learn to dance, I don’t know if you realize what a thing this is. I do, because I run a dance school and have seen lots of guys struggle with the process and fail and succeed and everything in between.

What it takes for a guy to learn to dance

• For a guy to learn to dance, they need to choose to persist in doing something that feels uncomfortable for a long time. They need to set aside anything in them that tells them that they need to already be impressive. They need to be cheerful with sucking.
   
• They need to be really curious about people, the people they dance with. Really attentive. Abnormally attentive and protective and caring. Absorbedly interested in their bodies, their moods, their patterns, their quirks.
   
• Some might need to expand themselves and their view of men, women, and life. They become deeply gentle, brave, chivalrous beings through feeling how great brave men and women create a dance. So they extend their comfort zone to dance with and learn from people in new ways, taking on the play of roles and allowing for new kinds of relationship to have space.
   
• They need to learn how to hold space for sexiness while staying focused on the needs of the moment. They need to sidestep being distracted or indulging in patterned sex thinking. I heard that can be hard for some men to do when they are holding a woman close to them.

I am so grateful and thankful for the men who have gone through this thousands hours effort to find what I feel as a truly unearthly surety and gentleness as they Tango.

I see them manifesting this loving kindness in their lives as well. Open to elaborate a sincere friendship with a woman, that also holds space for the deep mystery of Tango’s connection.

In this world I think it is a highly unlikely miracle that these men exist at all. I think and hope it will be less unlikely in the future. Women, maybe we can make it far less unlikelier now by saying out loud what such men bring to us.

To the great men of Tango:

You have helped me accept myself, my movement, my dancing. Your communicative friendship has helped me understand more about how men are and feel safer being myself around them. Your nonjudgmentalness has given me a chance to accept my errors and believe in my ability to grow. Your example of setting clear boundaries has helped me get better at knowing what I need and want at any given time. Your kindness and good manners helped me have fun at events, instead of leaving me in a confused limbo. Your seriousness about the substance of Tango - its music, its material - has inspired me to focus on that substance, too, instead of petty political dynamics and social domination. Your example inspires me to share your good works with my male students as they step into the world of social Tango with all its temptations. It may feel like a complex and confusing world, but I want them to know they have the power to make it a world of love, kindness, mutual consideration, creativity and friendship among equals.

PHOTO COURTESY OF OSCAR CHANG http://www.oscarchang.com/

A Year Is Too Short: How A Long Term View Supports Tango

"If something is boring after two minutes, try it for four. If still boring, then eight. Then sixteen. Then thirty-two. Eventually one discovers that it is not boring at all." -John Cage

Practica slideshow featuring Tango community members, curated by Shane Crosby

In Tango-time, things grow slowly.

Sure, there’s the occasional surprise tanda of delight with a total stranger. But mostly, things grow very very slowly in Tango time.

Friendships - they grow slowly.

Partnerships - they grow slowly.

My own skill - it grows slowly.

Community - grows slowly.

You keep committing, sincerely, to your practice. To becoming a dancer who can seed joy. Nothing changes, forever. Then finally, you are suddenly somewhere new.

Watch for Your Tourist Tendencies

In a fast-high-achieving-hyperworld, it can be very weird and frustrating to be in a place where things grow slowly.

Especially when you can see - or you think you can see - where you wanna get to. You figure there’s got to be a quicker way. Maybe if you go someplace else, do something else, move to Buenos Aires or somewhere.

I don’t think there is. See, in Tango-time, things grow slowly. No matter where you are or who you are with.

When people don’t understand how Tango really works, they usually look at it through the question: “What can I get out of this? How can I get more?”

This focus distorts the energy around you, and makes you weird at events, slightly restless, careless, demanding, flitty. (And I’ve been here - a lot! Still struggle with it.)

Being a community-tourist, skipping around from one knot of humans to another to get as much as you can without committing anything, is something we all have to deal with. But is it a high quality model to build our lives on? At some point, it loses its charm. At best. At worst, it can become a bit toxic.

The Bravery of Commitment

It can feel so good to finally not rush. To just realize that the quality of the relationships you are building is way more important than getting what you think you want right now. How do you build a friendship? Can you do it in less than a year?

Familiarity unlocks trust, and friendship, and creativity. Those things unlock great dancing. That’s how it goes.

There is something so incredibly powerful about choosing a long term view of community, in a world where we are used to everything being disposable and temporary, including our connections with others.

I am thrilled to be part of a committed community. Among practitioners who are brave and willing to say: YES, I will be part of this thing for at least one summer, one fall, one winter, and one spring. I’ll be here through more hard times and the times when I doubt myself and the people around me too. Beyond simply consuming Tango, I’ll take responsibility for creating and expanding Tango’s joy. I invite you to be part of this.  

CHALLENGE

You are thinking of giving up on a certain person, place, event, activity. Is there a difficult conversation you think you will avoid by withdrawing? What if you decided to have that conversation, instead?

P.S., For those of you who like the idea of a slow, steady, deliberate, persistent, no-drama approach to learning in Tango, at Oxygen we offer a unique, flexible, long-term-oriented course, which is up one full year of dedicated coaching along with rich resources, opportunities, and room for your ideas.

Our New Website

There are big changes coming to Oxygen Tango! The first is our awesome new studio space. The second, is this website! 

Please let us know if you notice any problems or missing features, or have a suggestion for a future update! :) 

“There is nothing so stable as change.”

— Bob Dylan

I just love this picture! 

Thank you!  

Your Happy Tango Admin

How To Create A Partner: Ten Ideas

Sixth Article in It Takes One to Tango Series

“I’d like to, but I don’t have a partner.”

I have heard this sentence so many times and I would like to tell everyone the following:

“If you don’t have a partner, create a partner.” 

Here are some things you can do in Tango to create a partner:

1. Learn the other role. Now you have twice as many potential partners.
2. Buy some sticks and practice with them, at home or at practica. Imagining a partner is the first step to creating them.
3. Help a beginner- or anyone you think is “not as good as you” in Tango. Practice with them. Put some real good quality energy into it - try to understand them, help them, visualize them improving. Now you have a partner.
4. Invent a project that requires two people for it to be accomplished. For instance, let’s say you want to reconstruct 30 seconds of a performance you like on YouTube. Or, you want to take a particular workshop with someone. It is far easier to find a partner when you have a specific thing you want that partner to do with you.
5. Talk to people who have partners and ask them how they established their partnership and what specific things they do to sustain its creative momentum.  
6. Whose dancing do you admire? Ask them what kind of music they like, and which videos they watch. Then listen to that music, and watch those videos. Studying Tango in detail gets you closer to the wavelength of people who work regularly with partners.
7. Practice on your own! This creates a powerful intention.
8. Try to find TWO or three partners instead of just one partner. Paradoxically, this might make it easier to find a partner.
9. Spend time socially in groups eating and drinking before or after Tango events. It is easier to find out who will be a synchronous partner, when you know them in a variety of contexts. Stick around til the end of the Practica, and join the group of people going out to eat, or say, “Hey, anyone want to go grab a bite with me?”
10. Be around as much as possible. Just being around allows people to learn about each other, and ideas for creative partnership to develop.  

There is so much love and creativity out there, and so many people who want to be part of exploring it together with you. Let's get over our little shynesses and get into the real problems and adventures of creating together. Love, Mitra